Why Self-Care?

A few years ago, sitting with a client, I posed an often-used query in response to their lengthy merciless explanation about how they got evicted. Their self-judgment far exceeded what I felt they deserved. What, I had often asked, would you say to a good friend who had that same experience?

At that moment it occurred to me that I rarely, if ever, followed that advice. I would make flippant remarks like How much worse could it get? When dating I’d comment wryly I seem to have an invisible-to-me “Weirdos-Only” tattoo on my forehead. When I had a bad day at work, I’d drag myself to my car, sit and mutter, I should have done better; I could have done more. Instead of getting more rest, though, I pushed myself. Always, push-push-push. Longer work hours, time off only to visit family rather than places on my wish list. Eventually something would happen: a torn ligament, food poisoning, a virus that knocked me off my feet. And those were the only times I really took a moment to pause.

A year or more before I left my job to care for my grandkids, I realized I needed to do better with self-care. I returned to meditating and creative writing, knowing that for me they worked well. Days that started with meditation and included time for writing consistently ended with me feeling more content or at peace and less scrambled.

Recently I listened to someone preaching about other-care and how self-care turns us into selfish little beasties. They’d heard this at church and I realized that at one time in my life, I thought that might be true. But from the perspective of the last few years, looking back over decades, I see my lack of self-care created more suffering, rather than less, for others. Caring for an abusive spouse, for example, served no good purpose (he could never feel satisfied so expanded his abuse to include others). Working such long days that I stumbled in a daze through my off-hours: no good purpose (my best work occurred on days when I felt rested).

That’s how the self-care journey started. And it faltered. Most of us stumble now and then, either over an obstacle or because we weren’t paying attention. After pauses, I started again. Eventually the missteps morphed, in my perspective, into learning excursions.

And that’s how I realized the importance of self-care. Writing about it, even just once a week, helps me because it’s not something that comes naturally to me. My life, particularly since the pandemic started, remains chaotic. My old routines have shattered. Building new ones hasn’t worked well. Learning to go with the flow: Eek! I’m getting better at it.

Making time for things that help me feel calm and aware, I’ve noticed, also make me a better person. More patient. When I lose patience, much quicker to realize what I’m doing. More loving. More likely to use statements like “I feel attacked when you raise your voice like that” than “Why the hell are you YELLING?” Nothing big, right? But it feels big. Different. Better for me and those around me.

As a child I adapted to situations. As an eldest child, I never questioned my responsibility to care for others before care of self. Sometimes caring for others makes sense: children need nudges and protection and a lot of support. But we all deserve enough time to feel rested, calm, content, at peace with our lives and who we have become. In a culture where we have so much, I remain convinced that self-care (not to be confused with a sense of entitlement) makes us better people.

We all deserve the gift of time to engage in activities that uplift and fulfill us (without causing harm to others[i]). Whether it’s meditation or taking a walk, dancing or listening to music, journalling or writing a novel, slowing down or speeding up, solitude or time in a crowd, staring at the ocean or skiing … find a way to incorporate what fulfills you into your life.

That can feel daunting. Most of us have limited resources. Exercising your creativity may help.

For example, some venues rely on at least a few volunteers and by volunteering I’ve been able to attend events (fairs, theater productions, speeches, expos, community events) free that I otherwise couldn’t afford. I’ve also known folks who started side businesses that filled their lives with joy. A social worker I knew wanted to travel, so started a travel company providing unique small group tours to distant destinations for people with physical or other limitations who were unable or uncomfortable traveling alone or in large groups.

The old airline guidance about putting on your own oxygen mask first still stands. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. And it will give you the strength and courage to be there for others in your world.

May you find the time to do what uplifts and comforts you. May you discover resources to support your journey. May you remember to support others, too, on their journey.

May you be healthy, happy, strong, and safe.

Copyright 2021 D. R. deLuis

Last words: Please remember that neither my opinions/experiences nor resources I mention are meant as cures or treatment. This is intended to uplift and educate, not as counseling or professional advice. If you’re in a moment in your life when most efforts feel huge, consider finding a mental health professional to support you.[ii]  If you’re considering ending your life or if you are in crisis, please reach out to emergency services (9-1-1) or a crisis hotline.[iii] You deserve support and to know someone has your back.

[i] By causing intentional harm, I refer to actions like leaving children unsupervised, violence to self or others, and exercising prejudices like racism, sexism, fat-phobia, anti-LGBTQ+, ageism, and others.

[ii] Most areas in the U.S. offer a “2-1-1” service that can provide information about local resources. In addition, one website (there are many) with info about finding an affordable therapist is Open Counseling at www.opencounseling.com .

[iii] National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 1-800-273-8255 or visit the website to text/chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. To reach the Crisis Text Line in the US and Canada text “HOME” to 741741; in the UK text 85258; in Ireland text 2050808.


Magic and Family

Before the sun began to set on New Year’s Eve, my kindergarten-age grandson came to talk to me about the celebration. His normal bedtime had been extended to 9:30 p.m. so he could watch the ball drop in Times Square, New York. His excitement nearly overwhelmed him. He got to celebrate with the adults! His older brother would be there, too, of course. The grandpa who grew up in NYC, along with other family members, would join in via video chat, everyone watching the same celebration and everyone welcoming the new year on Eastern Standard Time.

We had hats, snacks, masks, and noise makers at 4 sites with groups varying in size at each location. In previous years, we would have confirmed the plans for a family dinner the following day and the exuberant uncle would have unveiled some not-quite-legal fireworks, but both the family meal and the explosives got tabled. Instead, we all sat together virtually for several minutes before tuning in to the hubbub from Times Square. We wore our silly headgear and paper new year “glasses,” distributed virtual hugs and whoops when the ball fell.

Although the grand-kids asked, predictably, if they could stay up a bit longer, they didn’t put up much of a fight before they crawled into bed and drifted quickly off to sleep. My older grandson commented about the “magic” of the night – good snacks, connecting with family miles away, wearing silly hats, batting around balloons, blowing little noise-makers, and celebrating with strangers who stood on a cold street a couple thousand miles away.

It did have that air of special times that quickly dissolve into day-to-day struggles.

And so many people I know struggle right now. Several friends find themselves – or their households – challenged with illness. The current virus is a big threat, but all the other typical cold-weather illnesses, plus a few surprise visitors, have moved into friends’ homes. What I hadn’t realized, even in my care to follow health guidelines, is that when one or more household members becomes ill, regardless of the cause, others become more vulnerable AND they must pick up more responsibilities. In those overwhelmed homes where nobody has the spare cash for housekeepers or part-time caregivers, people struggle. Moments remain guarded, in some cases contact must be avoided, sharing of bathrooms and kitchen facilities discouraged. That makes life even more challenging for everyone.

Where, I wondered, do any of us find magic moments, particularly in disarray and when we’re beyond tired?

Two things have helped me through a recent period when everybody in the house contracted an illness. One is the simple reminder that, though we look for happy-happy days, struggling is part of life. A deep breath. I am suffering. Just acknowledging that helps. I do not suffer alone; many others are suffering. Knowing it’s not just-me helps. May I be kind to myself. (For more details on this easy exercise, visit https://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/.)

Another thing that has helped me, I’ll call serendipity. It could also fall under mindfulness, but seems equally accidental and precious.

As I sat writing, a small hummingbird bypassed the feeder I tend to and instead hovered about 6 inches from my window. Having logged many hours on cool days writing at the window, my portal to the micro-universe of the back patio and yard, that was the first time any bird did more than pass quickly by. This little hummer lingered for a few moments on the other side of the glass and seemed to watch me as I watched it in complete surprise. In the time it took me to remember my aunties telling me as a child that hummingbirds are signs of coming happiness and great joy, the tiny creature darted away. Perhaps it came to its senses or satisfied its curiosity or recognized its own reflection.

For me, though, on a tiring day, that flashy little creature reminded me of the recent celebration of a new year, glittery masks, goofy hats, happy kids, and all.

A lot has already happened since we celebrated that new year. From Hawaii, I carry the tradition of celebrating Chinese New Year. I may check the calendar for more. Not that we need an excuse to celebrate or seek magic and joy around us. It’s good to have a reminder, though, on days when harbingers of joy don’t stop by.

May you be greeted with joyful surprises. May you remember to appreciate the world around you. May others remember to appreciate you. You deserve to feel appreciated.

May you be healthy, happy, strong, and safe.

Copyright 2021 D. R. deLuis

Cloud Gazing

Near the beginning of each Spring, around the time the fog quit creeping across the valley, my slightly-younger brother and I devoted time to cloud-gazing. We’d find ourselves lured outdoors on warmish afternoons and stretch out on the greening grass, staring up at the sky, knowing full well those performance-quality clouds showed up only during the weeks after the last frost and before blazing heat blistered our sidewalks. More exciting, the limited-time activity arrived while weather reports told us folks on the Eastern edge of the of US still had to shovel snow. We loved the idea of playing in the snow, but our clouds brought magic. Oh, the things we would see!

Dancing elephants. Halloween masks and Santa beards and flying saucers. Books and frying pans and baseballs being torn apart as if clobbered by some celestial giant who had rounded the bases and arrived home before we could see her or him. We laughed at floating typewriters, upside-down dirigibles, and clouds masquerading as balloons. How many hours we invested each spring in gazing up and then imagining the shapes into people or objects seems impossible to calculate. Those hours, I’m convinced, were time well spent.

There’s something about taking time for imagining and dreaming, for just hanging around, even for not thinking about much of anything. Many of us practice mindfulness, and that’s a wonderful, portable, adaptable self-care activity whether we’re in the backyard sipping tea or warming up the kitchen by baking cookies. But just taking time for … nothing in particular … and treasuring it, moment by moment, without trying to fill it with screen-time or reading or chores. Ah, that’s heavenly!

My mom used to love crossword puzzles. She took breaks with the NY Times crossword and a pen, confident and focused. Stay-at-home moms back in my mom’s day did not worry about carpooling (everyone walked to school) or extracurricular activities (those were limited and also involved walking). In smaller homes, moms had some time for crossword puzzles and a daytime television or radio show or two. In contrast, last school year, before the pandemic, the daytime schedule, penciled in from dawn to dusk, opened small gaps (waiting for others) when I read news, checked social media, worked on crafts, and planned menus. It seemed, in those moments, a better use of time than gazing at the treetops as they changed through the seasons. The weekends filled quickly with shopping and preparations for the coming week.

In our busy culture, I think we’ve lost a lot when we ignore those opportunities to stop, take a breath, and wonder ‘what do I want to do right now?’ We lose more, I believe, when doing nothing leaves us feeling guilty, as if pausing is itself lazy, shows poor character, or otherwise indicates some weakness. Perhaps it’s healthier to consider that the pauses between words give us stories and the pauses between notes make melodies instead of staying busy trying to keep up with basic household tasks and making a living, without much thought to making a life.

This came to mind during the past week because of some protocols put in place to help the 3 people in the house who tested positive for the virus avoid close contact with the 2 people in the house who tested negative. Doing so opened a few gaps during which I had time to ponder.

It felt like a luxury. Like something I shouldn’t “waste” time on when there were things I could do. Still, I surrendered. One day I considered how my ideal life would look. Another day I recognized things for which I’m thankful. Walking in circles in the backyard and listening to a favorite podcast, I paused. I realized I didn’t have to rush to pick up someone from school or grocery shop. Instead, I stopped to feel the sunshine and listen to the roaring sound of the wind as it whisked through trees and shrubs and around buildings and walls. I turned off notifications for news, remembered a time when we all felt informed by watching the news once an evening. In those days, the Fairness Doctrine required facts and balance in reporting, so everyone heard the same facts and even though there were many opinions, nobody, except perhaps my off-the-grid uncle, argued with things like the integrity of election results.

Here is my unsolicited advice, based on my decades of experience rushing around trying to do it all:

Give yourself the gift of some free time. Let your mind wander, though living in a fantasy world isn’t what seems healthiest here. An acquaintance said she made Saturdays her days of rest from all electronics and that opened time for breaks and expanded her creativity. A family member mentioned going to a casino to just watch others fascinated her and left her feeling energized (hey, not my preference, but this is an individual activity!). Another friend loves trains and takes both long short rides – even on commuter runs – because he says the world looks different from that perspective.

That inspired me to consider my style of doing-nothing. While I trust we all have a gift for slipping into a pause-mode, my ideas centered on places. Those include the beach, a pond where ducks frolic, the plaza outside a nearby coffee shop where there are people and it’s easy to maintain a safe distance, a few parks where there are wide unpaved walking paths, the patio. Oh, and one day, I want to take my grandsons to try some cloud-gazing.

You deserve free time to relax, to just be you, to feel connected to the world, to see the world through new eyes, and to feel content.

May you be healthy, happy, safe, at ease, and strong. May we all be healthy, happy, safe, and strong.

Copyright 2021 D. R. deLuis

FYI: For updated coronavirus information, including where and when to test or seek vaccination, visit your local health department website. Free services are available in many locations. For more general info, check out the World Health Organization website at www.who.int, see what’s posted at www.cdc.gov or contact your family doctor for information and advice.

Unwelcome Visitor

In the middle of a pandemic, I realize it’s somewhat fanciful to think my household would make it through this relatively unscathed. We’ll all have scars from this. Disbelievers who swear it’s a massive hoax that took a mind-boggling amount of cooperation to launch and sustain will be forever looking over their shoulders for the next trick to be played on them. Folks who realize God (or perhaps accidental good sense) gave us science and one another for care and protection may rarely wake up feeling safe because the disbelievers will ignore their own safety at our peril.

But, yes, COVID-19, an unwelcome visitor, is in the house. Where I live, in a multi-generational household, I had hoped my diligence would be rewarded with a pass. You know, A Pass. Freedom from the virus because we mask-up when we’re off the property. For this elder, two essential workers, and two young children early in their elementary school lives who attended hybrid (in-person and on-line) classes, the Pass has been revoked.

While I’m still hoping to avoid symptoms, I’m keenly aware that being older and fat and identifying as Hispanic and not-a-celebrity and lower-income puts me in a category unlikely to receive full-throttle medical care should it come to that. In other words, to me the spread holds potentially dire consequences.

And I’m one of the lucky ones! I have health insurance. If I do need to see a doctor, I won’t need to rob a bank or win the lottery jackpot to cover the cost. In fact, instead of writing this morning, my intention was to contact my insurance provider’s “Advice Line” to explain the situation and get some pointers. All circuits are busy, that unwelcome phone voice tells me. Try again later.

So, instead, I took time to meditate, now I return to the power of words, later I’ll walk around the backyard listening to a podcast. And I’ll try again later.

As a young girl, I remember vague discussions about this shadowy thing the adults called The Polio Epidemic.[i] The grown-ups I knew seemed genuinely afraid, though I don’t remember a single person – even Uncle Eddie who everyone thought was crazy – believing it might be fake. Perhaps they were blessed with the lack of social media apps. My parents argued about the vaccine, my mom preferring that we all avoid the outside world (and, therefore, The Polio). The general warm-weather lock-down must have spanned a few years during which nobody knew much and everybody knew someone who had been devastated by the disease.

My dad put his foot down when the Red Cross launched a huge immunization drive. As a military veteran he had been subjected to vaccines and suspected that they may have helped his survival chances in faraway places. In spite of mom’s objections, he took my brother and me to a large auditorium where nurses in white dresses and doctors in white lab coats took information and mingled with what seemed like hundreds of children receiving shots. Dad said it was the right thing to do.  He reassured me with, “Sometimes you gotta trust experts and science, Punk.” He was right.

There are so many variables to control in this pandemic world. Do your best anyway. Logically, even if the sickness is indeed fake (even though a family member who tested positive a few days ago is coughing in a nearby room, with more family members on their way to be tested because one has symptoms), taking precautions violates no civil liberties. Washing hands, keeping hand sanitizer nearby, masking up (unless you have a legitimate medical reason not to), and keeping your distance from others are simple and effective strategies.[ii] If you’re upset at the inconvenience of masking up, find or make a badass mask to express your displeasure.

Self-care includes caring about yourself and others in practical ways.

I know we’re all tired from the restrictions and, personally, I’m so thankful for the folks who make contact-less pickup work and so exhausted from watching people flagrantly disregard safety precautions. Remember, even one hasty break from restrictions may have a nasty ripple effect. Even giving it my best shot – I’m fairly certain I’ve followed the guidelines consistently – there are no 100% guarantees. Right now, I have no symptoms, but I’m acutely aware of how vulnerable we all are.

Considering the well-being of others is the right thing to do, whether or not the dreaded virus is visiting your household and whether or not you think it’s real or a threat. Show a little respect.

That’s all I have to say right now.

May you appreciate your life, your body, and all living beings. May we all be healthy, happy, safe, and strong.

Copyright 2021 D. R. deLuis

[i] For more on the history of Polio (worldwide) and the use of the vaccine, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_polio.

[ii] For updated information, including where and when to test, visit your local health department website. Free testing is available in many locations. For more info, check out the World Health Organization website at www.who.int, see what’s posted at www.cdc.gov or contact your family doctor for information and advice.

Friendship Magic

Around this time of year, an old friend always pops into my mind. I think part of the reason is because Kay knew how to do holidays. Truly, she had a talent for making even little things special and her gift wrapping: sublime! She crafted bows of such artistry that they deserved a lighted display case at a Smithsonian Museum[i]. The rest of her life overflowed with substance, and lacked flash. Faith and family were her priorities. She dressed simply, seemed to avoid makeup, didn’t have expensive tastes, lived for pots of home-brewed plain-ol’ coffee, and prepared for all holidays with total abandon.

Prior to her cancer diagnosis, my little ragtag ‘ohana and her clan used to go out on picnics, bowling, have marathon board game sessions, or just hang out to eat and talk-story – always family style. She would volunteer to go early to pick out the best picnic table at a nearby park for our Easter feast and figure out the perfect time to attend fairs and community events. She cracked jokes with her husband, but as often sat quietly and observed others’ antics. She never asked for favors, didn’t depend on others for help. Without reservation, she treasured her daughter and son.

After the diagnosis, Kay started calling me for Adventures when she felt chipper. She rarely offered pleasantries and assumed I’d recognize her voice. My phone would ring. In those days “caller ID” cost extra, so on my shoestring budget I never knew who waited at the other end. I’d answer with a careful “Hello.” She would utter two words: “An adventure?” For some reason, good sense or my better angels would spur me to say, “Uh, yeah! What are you thinking?”

We enjoyed dozens of spur-of-the-moment adventures, most of them in southern Arizona.

We went to a Mariachi Festival where I stood about 15 feet away from the crowd and watched Kay twirl and laugh in the shade of an ancient tree. She stood within a yard or two of the musicians when she turned to me, grinning, and shouted, “I LOVE mariachi music!” Although we had known one another for years, that took me by surprise. How could I not know that?

We roamed Tumacácori[ii], looking at pottery and art and eating freshly made corn tortillas behind the museum/mission church. We went to rivers and hummingbird sanctuaries and monuments and museums tucked into the miles of mountains around Sierra Vista. We went to vineyards and toured wineries even though Kay didn’t like wine. We watched a ceremony in Skeleton Canyon (near San Simon) with the Buffalo Soldiers[iii] commemorating Geronimo’s surrender. We went to Mission San Xavier del Bac outside Tucson to pray and visited with a few local artists. We went to a ghost town (a trailer in the middle of nowhere that displayed items for sale on an honor system and offered free brochures that provided info/served as a warning system about the prolific local pit viper[iv] population).

There were a few longer journeys. We went to Disneyland once. When I picked her up at her house for the 7-hour drive and hastily arranged 4-day trip, I asked what her spouse said about the trip. He and I worked together; I didn’t want him upset with me. “Oh,” she chuckled, “I left him a note.” What?! We walked, talked, and laughed our way around the Magic Kingdom. We took a side-trip to wet our feet in the Pacific because we didn’t want any regrets during the journey back home.

There is one Adventure I most cherish, though. It had touches of spirit, magic, and the kind of trust that some friends share. This is one I keep thinking about.

If you’re at all familiar with the old War Chiefs, you’ve heard of Cochise. He’s apparently buried in an unknown and secret site up in what’s known as Cochise Stronghold or Cochise Memorial. The Stronghold, an oasis of sorts in a box canyon, sits in southern Arizona. On the way, Kay reminded me that she picked up a few things from her Apache dad (she didn’t connect as well with her mom, described as a generic-white debutante-type) before she informed me she wanted to go the Stronghold to find Cochise’s grave to have a little ceremony and pray. Now, lots of experts have tried, and failed, to find that grave, but … what the heck?! We went.

We took back-roads to the narrow lane into the canyon. That day, Southern Arizona looked like a drenched blanket. Mile after mile of craggy soaked land stretched out beneath an endless swath of dark clouds that dumped heavy rains and rattled teeth with thunderstorms. But Real Adventurers ignore minor inconveniences.

As we got closer to the Stronghold – me driving, Kay riding shotgun, my daughter in the back seat – we realized the pouring rain might interfere with our mission. We recalled a passage from the Bible – our version: “whenever two or more are gathered in God’s name, God is there” – and so we prayed for a break in the storm so we could enjoy the Stronghold and accomplish what had become our mission.

My grandmother used to call them “Angel Rays” – when light bounces through holes in the clouds. As we approached, an Angel Ray opened over the Stronghold and expanded. We recited my favorite prayer – Thank You – a few times and arrived at the one sunny spot we saw that day. All the campers and other visitors had fled, so we wandered the rocky, soggy area in peace. We trusted God or intuition or luck to guide our meanderings as the hole in the clouds above us began to shrink. We paused to talk about turning back, but Kay felt sure we were close. Another 20 yards and around a bend, we stopped.

The spot, scattered with trees, boulders, and small plants, transfixed us. The foliage danced in a sun-powered spotlight, a bouncy little breeze shook rain off the trees and shrubs while the rest of the area looked decidedly gray. Like something from a great movie scene, except this one belonged to Mother Nature without help from a fabulous special effects team, little bits of foliage and droplets of water from the leaves flitted around in this extraordinary golden light, surrounded by dark shadows around us that washed out the surrounding color.

We didn’t even discuss the location. While I stood aside, Kay led an informal, haphazard little ceremony. I didn’t ask Kay about her motivation. My prayer thanked Cochise for leading us to that beautiful place. She mentioned blessing him, his ancestors, and his descendants. She took a moment for silent reflection and asked that my daughter and I head back to the car. She promised to catch up.

My daughter and I moved as quickly as we could over soaked ground. The sun had disappeared behind charcoal clouds so when we reached the vehicle, we climbed in and sat with the engine idling, like a getaway car, heater running as we peered anxiously into the shrubbery until Kay appeared.

She scrambled into her seat, closed the door, and as the door latch clicked the clouds released a near solid curtain of water. We sat in the parking area and laughed as rain drummed that unique booming and soothing all-nature rhythm on the roof of the car.

Whenever this comes to mind, though I miss my friend who left this world shortly after that trip, I remember there is magic in this life. Magic in friendship. Magic in making time for adventures. Magic in nature. Magic in connecting.

I remind myself to cultivate a sense of wonder. To look for awe as a self-care practice. And to both acknowledge and treasure those moments.

So here’s my wish for you this year:

May you Appreciate What’s Around You. May you experience Joyful Adventures. May Magic and a Miracle or Two surprise you. May you enjoy Shelter from Life’s Storms. And may you Laugh in the Rain.

Copyright 2021 D. R. deLuis

[i] In case you’re not aware, and since I mentioned the Smithsonian, I feel compelled to mention the Smithsonian recently opened a new National Museum of African American Arts History and Culture. For info, visit: https://nmaahc.si.edu/.

[ii] For a bit more info about the area, including the very small unincorporated area and park, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tumacacori,_Arizona. The annual art festival offered a lot of diversion the first weekend in December, though check the schedule. Nearby Tubac also has a fun vibe and lovely art festival. For more info: https://tubacaz.com/festival-of-the-arts/.

[iii] For more information, one brief description can be found here: https://www.azcentral.com/story/travel/arizona/road-trips/2018/09/10/fort-huachuca-arizona-buffalo-soldiers/953088002/. A longer history is here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_Soldier.

[iv] Primarily Western Diamondbacks (rattlesnakes).


With the end of each calendar year some people look back in horror. Who could blame anyone this year for feeling challenged and drained? I think it’s safe to say very few of us approach any year-end without having lost something or someone dear and, along with that, we often lose some sense of comfort and peace. Change remains inevitable, though, and a year like 2020 packed enough challenges to knock some of us off kilter.

Some weary or introverted folks may greet the new year with quiet contemplation or much-needed rest. In spite of the danger, some of us will always prefer to go out with bunches of friends to either complain about the bad breaks of the old year or to jump for joy at the prospect of a new year. Whether taking time to commiserate or to celebrate, for the safety of us all, please plan ahead. Consider the purpose of your gathering so you can employ your creativity and make these rousing festivals virtual gatherings or outdoors distanced events. [i]

Though the past 12 months may have been trying, uplifting, or a bit of both, I’m hoping you’ll give some thought to how you’ll offer farewell to the old year and greet the new one. Rituals have a healthy place in most of our lives, so after the Thanksgiving Turkey and the Christmas Tree, crafting an Old-Year / New Year Ritual sounds like a good idea to me.

As a child, it seemed every adult I knew followed a similar Ritual every new year. They stocked up on their favorite alcoholic beverages, ice, and special (expensive) snacks they normally avoided. All shared their list of crazy resolutions, most of which failed at lightning speed. My dad’s resolution, several years running, was to quit drinking. That resolution lasted about 24 hours – or until he remembered he had received some quality booze for Christmas and ignoring it would insult the giver. Unforgivable! 😊 My mom’s resolution involved giving up either bread or coffee, both of which she loved. That lasted about 12 hours or until the new percolator or toaster she bought on sale after Christmas convinced her that abandoning her morning cup of “Joe” with toast would make the gleaming new appliances a waste of money. 😊 Sinful!

Studies now show that resolutions fail for most of us within a relatively brief period of time (a few weeks). When we “fail” at resolutions, we often judge ourselves harshly, blame ourselves, and end up mired in negative feelings.

Like my parents and many others, I haven’t excelled with things labeled Resolutions. However, a decade or more ago I stumbled upon a better way for me to wrap up an old year and move forward into a new one. My inspiration came at some point in an interview I watched. Dr Maya Angelou commented that before she fell asleep each night, she would mentally review the day. She would note areas in which she did well and those in which she felt some improvement was needed. Inspired by that, my year-end / new-year routine evolved.

It’s simple. I ask myself some easy questions.

  • Looking back on the past year: What went well? What needs improvement? Is there anywhere I need to make amends?
  • Looking forward to the new year: What do I feel fiercely drawn to and curious about? How do I want to improve as a human being?

I don’t spend a lot of time waxing poetic, but I do make some simple notes and consider the mechanics of improving areas where I fell short, making amends if they’re due, and selecting areas for study if they’re something I’m curious about or believe would make me a better human. I take action by modifying existing routines. For example, reading and writing time (or studying) come in the evening when the grandkids sleep. Meditation, enjoying some physical activity, and other self-care fits into small pockets of time each day. If I get out of whack with new routines, I can rewind, evaluate, adjust, and try again. Having those annual (and sometimes in-between) reviews and priorities helps me.

That doesn’t mean that’s what’s best for everyone! When I started this journey, I lived near a fairly large hill that I would literally climb the last day of the year to sit, look around, pray, and make copious notes. The following day I’d take time outdoors on my patio if it wasn’t snowing or super-cold to write out plans for the new year. That felt burdensome and eventually I pared it down.

Find something that works well for you. Be sure anything you try feels like a loving method of self-inquiry. Some ideas:

  • RAIN (Recognize what is happening, Allow the experience, Investigate with interest and care, Nurture with self-compassion) or “The Work” with its clear written guides may help you look at areas or beliefs that seem to block your progress or warrant more consideration.[ii]
  • Write down a few questions you find meaningful and simply respond to them within a time-frame (don’t overthink the answers; you can edit later). Try making a few notes – not going overboard – so you can look back later and determine how the experience helped you (or if it didn’t).
  • Express yourself by crafting a “treasure map” with pictures you draw or cut out (from ads, newspapers, magazines) and paste on a large poster-board, cardboard from a box, or pieces of paper. One smaller section can represent what you’ve overcome and what you’ve achieved. The rest can remind you where you’d like to be at year-end next year.

In any case, leave room for making adjustments. Life has a way of surprising us.

I believe every ending and each beginning carry with them opportunities to reflect and learn. May you have the luxury of enough free time to review the past year with kindness and to envision the new year with hope.

May you be happy, healthy, safe, and strong.

Last words: Please remember that neither my opinions, my experiences, nor resources I mention are meant as cures or treatment. If you’re in a moment in your life when most efforts feel huge, consider finding a mental health professional to support you.[iii]  If you’re considering ending your life or if you are in crisis, please reach out to emergency services (9-1-1) or a crisis hotline.[iv] You deserve support and to know someone has your back.

Copyright D.R. deLuis 2020

[i] For a good guide, check out Priya Parker’s book: The Art of Gathering. She has some great ideas that include ways to make your gathering, however distanced, truly meaningful to all who attend.

[ii] For more information on RAIN, visit https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/. Another option is Byron Katie’s “The Work” explained at https://thework.com/ . Info on RAIN as well as links to videos to practice the technique, and info on The Work with a link to worksheets to guide The Work are free resources. If another option works better for you, use that.

[iii] Most areas in the U.S. offer a “2-1-1” service that can provide information about local resources. In addition, one website (there are many) with info about finding an affordable therapist is Open Counseling at www.opencounseling.com .

[iv] National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 1-800-273-8255 or visit the website to text/chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. To reach the Crisis Text Line in the US and Canada text “HOME” to 741741; in the UK text 85258; in Ireland text 2050808.

Christmas Past

With all the planning and preparation that goes into any holiday, this year I feel completely okay with limited festivities and allowing fun to emerge spontaneously – or not. Taking a day of peace and relaxation sounds like Enough after this year full of conflict and challenges.

Looking back, I recall my mother appearing nearly hysterical while she worked toward holiday bliss. A few months after my 6th birthday and a few days after Thanksgiving, before the gigantic turkey carcass had been picked clean, mom appeared so frazzled that I sat down with her. We discussed logistics and I volunteered to take over all the decorating and gift planning, including preparation of detailed shopping lists and wrapping everything for her. She readily handed over the gifting and decoration-related duties to me in order to focus on keeping her sanity and establishing the schedule for Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner. She’d also decide when we’d go to church, when and to whom we’d distribute the tamales on Christmas Eve so I could wrap and properly label them, and when we’d open presents.

With so much handed off to a 6-year-old, you might think our Christmases bereft of jolliness. Not true! Even at that tender age, I stayed organized, conducted stealth interrogations to determine age-appropriate and longed-for gifts, made sure gifts from Santa had their own special wrapping paper and tags, notified neighbors and extended family members which types of toys, clothing, and homemade candies each of us preferred, and maintained confidentiality.

In spite of near-military precision in the planning and execution of holiday activities, over time some shuffling of duties occurred. Mom didn’t care much for any work in the kitchen, but since I loved time there, I took over the gelatin salad prep as well as making fudge, cookies, and cakes the following year, leaving mom to set the menu. Later I helped with the Christmas cards, helped more with preparation of Christmas dinner, and, after my brothers lost interest in Santa, continued wrapping and suggesting the gifts in often fruitless attempts to keep the value of the items somewhat equitable. Though we all became quite vocal about what we wanted, mom felt my selections for myself inappropriate, so books and leather-working kits were replaced with dolls, pink mittens, and pretend-nail-polish. For decades, I kept telling her what I wanted. And she ignored me.

Back in the day, we tried to appear thankful for everything we received. With so much excitement and rule-breakers among us, I didn’t dare set out the presents from Santa until midnight, so I would bake or decorate baked goods after dinner Christmas Eve and watch an old Christmas movie on television. “White Christmas” or “Miracle on 34th Street” would play as I finished up, nibbled broken cookies, double-checked details, and experimented with different flavors of fudge. In the early hours of the Christmas morning, I’d crawl into bed. The same scenario played out each year until I married and moved out.

While every year brings challenges, and this pandemic-dominated year perhaps brings more than most of us have encountered in our lifetimes, many reasons for gratitude have survived. Of all the Christmases from my childhood, I remember three Christmases Past very well.

The worst Christmas day, when I felt myself nearly-grown at age 15, my grandmother, Isabel, was in the hospital. She had been ill – cancer, then a stroke — but I always believed she would come home. The rest of us had just returned from church, a little giddy from celebrating the birth of baby Jesus and a bit enthused knowing gifts awaited our greedy hands. We were putting away our coats when the phone started to ring. Mom answered, said thank you to the caller, turned to us and calmly said, “Your grandmother died this morning.”

At that, I felt like a child again. My grandmother and I had shared a bedroom for 6 years, and though I often longed for privacy, I couldn’t count the number of times she had covered for us kids, putting away bicycles or toys so mom wouldn’t be angry with us, appreciating it when I brushed or tried to style her thick silver hair, letting me blather about cute boys or mean girls without interrupting. We had started planning her 70th birthday party. I remember wondering if anyone else would miss her quiet presence.

Dad decided we should eat breakfast out that Christmas, for the first and last time ever. He put off opening the gifts until after he and mom notified a few people, returned from the hospital, and “made arrangements.”

After that type of Christmas, worst-case-scenarios no longer involved missing ingredients, cleaning up pine needles, removing spilled eggnog from the carpet, repairing shorted-out or failed tree lights, making sure drunken guests got home. In fact, since then I have survived with calm resolve through ice storms, burnt turkeys, late arrivals, lost utility service, broken pipes, celebrating when I didn’t receive a single present, and holidays when I spent hours trying to repair toys that came out of the box broken. I learned from each of those experiences, but losing someone close to me on that day permanently adjusted my perspective and rewrote my definition of a “disaster.”

The other two stand-out Christmases from my childhood I cling to with great fondness. To be clear, both of these holidays departed completely from what had been carefully planned.

The year I turned 7, one of my dad’s dear friends, a WWII buddy, showed up at our front door around 11 o’clock Christmas Eve. A pilot, he had a small plane and was en-route to a family Christmas when fog grounded him, so he landed at our local airport and took a cab to our house to see if any lights were on. We had taken a nap that afternoon in preparation for midnight service at church. Dressed and ready in our Christmas finery, we stood near the front door when he knocked. Instead of attending High Mass, we stayed home, put on our jammies, popped popcorn in the fireplace, swilled hot cocoa (children) and spiked eggnog (adults), opened one present each, and jabbered for hours until we fell asleep. Not long after we fell into bed, we all enjoyed a breakfast of tamales, eggs, breakfast potatoes, and linguiça (Portuguese sausage). After eating, we drove Cline to the airport so he could continue on to his brother’s house. Before he departed, though, he gave me a ride in his Cessna so I could see the valley from a hawk’s perspective. That was one of the best gifts ever: a different way of seeing the world around me. Even back on the ground, I could imagine how small it all looked from the sky.

The second special holiday happened during my teens. A close family friend who worked in Yosemite National Park called dad to help with some vehicular emergency. We dropped everything, dad grabbed a bunch of parts and tools from his shop, and we headed out, finding the park under a couple feet of fresh powdery snow. While dad worked with his friend, mom drank with his friend’s wife, my brothers built a snowman with the park ranger’s son, and I got to ride around the park in the rumple seat of an antique car with his friend’s eldest and some of her pals.  For once, my little cow-town impressed the small group of teens who lived high in the mountains. They demanded details of the types of opportunities available in a town big enough to have its own radio station. We had 3 department stores, several hardware shops, multiple gas stations, a Dairy Queen, several drive-in restaurants, and both a Spanish-language and an all-English movie theater. How those kids envied me. Me! The person who skipped school to ride the bus to a real city (San Francisco). Wow. What a different holiday. I can still recall the details, the cold air, the snow, rare glimpses of deer, sitting outdoors with this small gaggle of teens, surrounded by breathtaking beauty and relative silence, and thinking this world is so amazing.

We drove home that evening and had our Christmas dinner the following day, but nobody complained. Not one word. I don’t think any of us remembered what gifts we received, aside from the surprise gift of the nearly empty national park in its glorious robe of winter white.

Whether things go wonderfully according to plan or fall into another dimension you didn’t expect, may your plans go well-enough, may your work be recognized and rewarded, and may you be blessed with many happy surprises this season.

As always, may you be happy, healthy, safe, and strong.

Last words: Please remember that neither my opinions, my experiences, nor resources I mention are meant as cures or treatment. If you’re in a moment in your life when most efforts feel huge, consider finding a mental health professional to support you.[i]  If you’re considering ending your life or if you are in crisis, please reach out to emergency services (9-1-1) or a crisis hotline.[ii] You deserve support and to know someone has your back.

Copyright D.R. deLuis 2020

[i] Most areas in the U.S. offer a “2-1-1” service that can provide information about local resources. In addition, one website (there are many) with info about finding an affordable therapist is Open Counseling at www.opencounseling.com .

[ii] National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 1-800-273-8255 or visit the website to text/chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. To reach the Crisis Text Line in the US and Canada text “HOME” to 741741; in the UK text 85258; in Ireland text 2050808.

Keeping Up with HoHoHo

Self-care matters to me. I decided several years ago to make time to practice self-care on a daily basis. Starting small, I experimented with different techniques to determine what works best for me, and I most often succeed in sticking with my self-care regimen. But not always.

Sometimes it feels as if Life has a mind of its own and takes off in one direction when I have every intention of moving in the opposite direction. Somehow, I had envisioned that stay-at-home holidays this year with close family would feel simple and easy. No big stresses about getting the “right” gift for people who typically attend the big festivities. No expectations about my role in the big multi-family gathering with people I don’t know very well. Just a few no-pressure people to locate treasures for and a quiet day.

Whew, I thought, this will be easy. I knew I’d miss watching the related kids open their gifts, but I still get to watch my grandkids open their gifts in person (we live in the same house) and we’ll still have a special dinner and we’ll probably all eat too much. Church services will be attended online and if we connect with anyone outside our pod, it will be via video-chat. Entertainment will come in the form of new games, books, and movies received.

In spite of doing my best when planning and starting early enough, it just didn’t work out. To deal with the oops, I decided to pay more for what the grandkids wanted though it irked me and cracked my budget. Items I’ve never had problems purchasing (jumbo rolls of gift-wrap and snazzy cards) disappeared quickly so I cavalierly decided to make my own. (I thought, How long could it take? Real world answer: Longer than I imagined!) When I ran out of yarn, I swapped out another color for the out-of-stock shade and opted to hope for the best with that small project. I rushed through my sewing the one afternoon when space became available.

In the midst of all the craziness, I didn’t make self-care a priority.

A rough estimate: about 40,764 times in the last few weeks (I wasn’t counting), I clocked myself doing things that are not in my best interests in order to maintain pursuit of a level of holiday perfection that I’ve never achieved. I’ve stayed up past midnight making cards, crafting gift-wrap, or making gifts when I know I’m awake with my grandkids by 6. I’ve relied on caffeine to help me come to life and deal with the list of must-do items. Not a part of my healthy repertoire.

Though I had expected more of myself, I am officially taking time right now to pat myself on the back. I didn’t sacrifice every moment of me-time (I would have in the past). Even five years ago I would not have realized that the pace I set doomed me to living in a self-crafted level of hell for a time. I caught on quickly this time.  Here are some hints for the busy times in life when you need to cut yourself some slack:

  • Acknowledge that your life is extra-busy, particularly when you’re magically expecting everything to work out within teensy timeframes with no room for error or slack.
    • Take action: Pause  for a moment. Take a deep breath. Acknowledge to yourself that you’ve got a lot going on. Use your own words. Mine: This is difficult. I feel pressured. I’m doing my best. This is temporary.
  • Maintain your most important self-care practice(s). They may change shape or form but keep to those things.
    • Take action: Again, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself what two or three things most matter to you in self-care. Focus on those and plan to pick others back up later. Although I didn’t feel like doing it, here’s what I did:
      • I kept up with my meditation practice. Yes, some days I meditate in the car while waiting to pick up my grandsons after school instead of in my room just after sunrise. Some evenings I shorten the time because I’m tired. I held onto the habit of doing those, though.
      • I compromised with half the walking time I had planned, added my Nordic Walking Poles to make the stroll easier on my knees and harder in general.
  • Having lived decades with insufficient sleep, I know how it feels to drag yourself through the day feeling as if you’ll never catch up.
    • Take action: Take some time to wind down before you fall asleep. If there’s something low-priority on your do-it-now list, drop it and take that time to go to bed earlier or nap if you can. If not, do NOT chastise yourself for staying up too late: negative feedback rarely helps. In any case, remind yourself: I’m doing the best I can and that is enough.
  • Some things we think save time, really don’t help us. Do not scrimp on the basics like dental care or regular meals.
    • Take action: To keep up with your basic needs, take things off the must-do list or ask for help with them! Lately I’ve noticed I’m skipping meals while I’m tangled up in projects or rushing to pick someone or something up. Although many folks feel that behavior is a good thing, particularly for fat women like me, studies inform us this action creates a detrimental hunger-boomerang that results in a sharply increased risk of eating with abandon. Find some hearty snacks (cheese or meat sticks, granola or nut bars, toast or crackers with nut butter, whatever you enjoy) and keep them nearby to fill in until you can take time to toss a meal together.

Whether things go wonderfully according to plan or fall into another dimension you didn’t expect, may your plans go well-enough, may your work be rewarded, and may you notice many happy surprises this season.

May you be happy, healthy, safe, and strong.

Last words: Please remember that neither my opinions, my experiences, nor resources I mention are meant as cures or treatment. If you’re in a moment in your life when most efforts feel huge, consider finding a mental health professional to support you.[i]  If you’re considering ending your life or if you are in crisis, please reach out to emergency services (9-1-1) or a crisis hotline.[ii] You deserve support and to know someone has your back.

Copyright D.R. deLuis 2020

[i] Most areas in the U.S. offer a “2-1-1” service that can provide information about local resources. In addition, one website (there are many) with info about finding an affordable therapist is Open Counseling at www.opencounseling.com .

[ii] National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 1-800-273-8255 or visit the website to text/chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. To reach the Crisis Text Line in the US and Canada text “HOME” to 741741; in the UK text 85258; in Ireland text 2050808.

Holiday Hubbub

We remain party people here in the USA and we brought our celebrations with us from countries spanning the globe. Whether the holiday celebrations – from birthdays to splashy national events – seem helpful or vexing, chances are we all experience some stress getting through these jolly days. These include the annual Biggies:

  • Personal Holidays: Birthdays and Anniversaries matter, whether you forget or remember, though they trend toward even-more-taxing when forgotten or left to the last minute.
  • National Obsessions (USA): New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

Celebrations vary from location to location, and some small communities dwarf metropolitan areas in their commitment. My preference leans toward warm local gatherings but events that have unrolled in my life as if they’re holidays include: Super Bowl Sunday, the last day of school before summer break, and election day (well, not this year, but in years past as a celebration of freedom and the power of the individual vote).

Having traveled this country coast-to-coast, I have to say nobody does fireworks with the dedication of the people of Hawaii. New Year’s Eve and Independence Day (the 4th of July) remain a smoky haze in my memory, filled with jolts, pops and explosions. Not only the larger venues and communities put on shows, but beaches and front yards let loose some formidable flash in celebration.

In fact, the people of Hawaii exhibited to me more grace, kindness, generosity of spirit, and celebratory glee than anyone anywhere. People of multiple cultures rub shoulders without major injuries. My favorite celebrations in Hawaii:

  • Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar Festivals, big or small, showcased during annual festivals in Waikiki, Kauai, West Hawaii, and Maui. Here’s a link to the Waikiki 2020 festival; hope it makes you feel the warm breeze and smile: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BH3MCbaGnM,[i]
  • Bon Dances throughout the islands (check island schedules for dates/locations),
  • Boy’s Day and Girl’s Day,
  • County or Farm fairs (honestly, I love them everywhere!), and
  • the Merrie Monarch Festival.

When I first moved to Hawaii, I lived in a small condo in a relatively large complex. Busy people flitted around every moment of every single day. Babies came home, family pets strayed, folks went to the hospital, celebrations erupted, extended families left for a staycation at the beach, visitors arrived from the mainland for a special vacation. One day, an eerie calm replaced the normal buzz, punctuated periodically by cheers or complaints. From my lanai I could hear music playing and occasional chanting. Oddly, everyone seemed tuned to the same station. Puzzled, I took a stroll around the 200+ units and noticed one older couple sitting outside with his and hers tablets streaming what seemed to come from the nearby units. This pair had lawn chairs, snacks, drinks, and sat is comfortable shade near their front door.

They waved to me. I waved back. Hesitating for a moment, the auntie said, “You need somethin’?” I shook my head, no, but turned back to ask, “Sorry. Don’t mean to bug you. Is something important going on? Everyone’s watching…” “Yeah,” she said and looked at her spouse. He said, “The Merrie Monarch,” as if that explained everything. “Oh, thanks,” I said, not wanting to showcase my ignorance, and I repeated his words to myself the-merry-monarch the-merry-monarch as I strolled back to my condo, turned on my laptop, and searched for “the merry monarch.”

What showed up in my search focused on Charles II of England, known as The Merry Monarch, but he didn’t seem that interesting. A racehorse also named Merry Monarch likewise seemed a long shot to having captured the attention of the people of Hawaii.

I did, however, notice a reference to Hawaii’s King Kalākaua with a tag line: “The perpetuation of Hula and the Hawaiian culture.” Absolutely.

The Merrie Monarch Festival, an annual week-long celebration of the Hawaiian culture, language, and arts, spotlights the uniquely Hawaiian art of hula. The festival, held in the spring, was cancelled because of the pandemic in 2020. Details for 2021 can be found at the festival website, so for more info, visit www.MerrieMonarch.com. In 10 years in Hawaii I never had the opportunity to attend, except via streaming video, but I’m so glad I had those opportunities to learn and celebrate the powerful art and aloha of Hawaii.

There are, of course, others, including Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Veterans Day, and those holidays named after somebody. These vary in importance from household to household, depend upon social significance and the season in which they fall, and seem amplified by direct connections to the holiday. For example, every Martin Luther King, Jr. Day always brings out copies of his I Have a Dream speech. My admiration lingers on his recognition of the problems relating to poverty and the Vietnam War, or his Letter from a Birmingham Jail that reads to me like poetry (“We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”)[ii] and feels truer with every beat of my heart. Still, we return to the lovely but limiting Dream excerpt.

Whatever the holiday, consider meticulous self-care.

Ways to take care of yourself during these busy times:

HALT: Remember that old saying? It’s oh-so-true! Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Take a breath and check in with yourself throughout the day. Ask if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. You deserve excellent self-care so when any of those rings true, give yourself the break you need and your body craves. If you’re hungry, eat. You don’t need to prepare a gastronomical feast, but giving your body some real food will help. Angry? Relax and take a few breaths. If there’s something you can do about the situation that frustrated you, make a note and plan to act later when you feel cool and calm. The same when feeling lonely. Relax and breathe. If there’s someone you can reach out to, either nearby or virtually, take a few moments to set up a get-together later or take a few moments to reach out.

GYRL: This is one I either made up or heard years ago and somehow it stuck in my mind. Women, in particular, seem to try so hard to help others we often forget about giving ourselves priority. Gyrl: Guard Your Resources Loudly (and lovingly). It’s okay to say No. In fact, pick a day during which every time you pass a mirror or see your reflection, you stop, look yourself in the eye, and say No. (It sounds silly, but I attended a work-related training during which we teamed up and practiced saying “No” and giving each other feedback about how serious the “No” seemed. The coaching felt very effective.)  You can also set a time during the day when you will say No to everything just to practice. (I know. It also sounds silly, but if you’re used to doing everything, saying No can feel liberating.)(You can call folks back later and say, “I moved some things around on my schedule, so I can help if you still need it” or “I gave it some thought and changed my mind. Do you still need help?”)

STOP: Stay True to you Own Principles – if you don’t want to use credit cards and are on a limited budget, let people know and seek ways to reduce the financial load. You deserve that. Consider making gifts

Closed Wallet

May we all celebrate with joy, enthusiasm, gratitude, and awareness of the traditional wisdom from which our celebrations have grown.

May you remind yourself often that you are enough. May you find the tools you need for self-care and both the time and the will to use them. May you be happy, healthy, safe, and strong.

Last words: Please remember that neither my opinions, my experiences, nor resources I mention are meant as cures or treatment. If you’re in a moment in your life when most efforts feel huge, consider finding a mental health professional to support you.[iii]  If you’re considering ending your life or if you are in crisis, please reach out to emergency services (9-1-1) or a crisis hotline.[iv] You deserve support and to know someone has your back.

Copyright D.R. deLuis 2020

[i] Everything is better in Hawaii, of course, but there are festivals in cities across the US, as well.

[ii] Available in many versions, including this one https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/02/letter-from-a-birmingham-jail/552461/ in The Atlantic.

[iii] Most areas in the U.S. offer a “2-1-1” service that can provide information about local resources. In addition, one website (there are many) with info about finding an affordable therapist is Open Counseling at www.opencounseling.com .

[iv] National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 1-800-273-8255 or visit the website to text/chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. To reach the Crisis Text Line in the US and Canada text “HOME” to 741741; in the UK text 85258; in Ireland text 2050808.

Venting Season

Though we have always held to some regional differences in the USA, and at the risk of sounding like one of those stick-in-the-mud old-ladies, it seems to me that we once behaved more respectfully, at least within our communities. Of course, last minute holiday shoppers got pushy and neighbors always tried to outdo one another (or at least keep up), and our foundation, built upon racism and social Darwinism, has always needed replacement, but it appears the hint of civility that kept us moving forward with hope evaporated somewhere along the line. Welcome to venting season, what I think the world needs, and what’s inspiring.

It feels as if the stress of going after one another and living in social-media hideaways during the tainted election season of 2016 accentuated a downhill slide. The upheaval within the taken-for-granted internal-goings-on of a nation turned us toward what some point out as strengthening the 1%/oligarchs while others insist average-folks now fare better (even if we sacrificed in areas like environment, health, and income)[i]. All this, followed by the pandemic and wrapped up by the contentious election of 2020, drained us. Here’s hoping we get our act together, have the courage to examine our feelings, and make time to work through them in order to find peace in government, in business, and in our communities. Now is the time for some grassroots organizing of a little widespread self-care so we can initiate healing.

Once my great aunt Jeannie and my dad had a falling-out. She talked, more than once, over the announcer during a world-series game. Dad asked her, a couple of times, to take the chatter elsewhere. Finally, he shouted, stood, and threw curses her direction. The woman who had gotten my dad through the loss of his mother vowed to never speak to him again. He threatened to call the police or shoot her for trespassing if she put one foot on his property. They both overstepped their bounds and trampled feelings. The insults lasted a few minutes. The feud lasted a few months, until an intervention by a gaggle of great aunties broke the chill between them. Dad grudgingly apologized and Jeannie promised to take any conversations to another room during televised sporting events. Things did not go back to the way they had been, though. The two spoke but became more guarded and less spontaneous. The harsh words they exchanged remained a sheer barrier, and that lesson hit home for me. For better or worse, relationships change, adapt, move forward. They don’t go backward. Even the relationship with self. Make time for that.

Industries are hurting. People are hurting. Our medical system is stretched thin. Tourism, a business that supports workers around the world, limps along these days, scanning the horizon for signs of fuller flights. My quarterly road trips to a nearby state to visit my son who has some physical and mental challenges flew off the table. In my many previous travels, via air and ground, I noticed most of us manage to behave like quiet and respectful tourists while visiting other communities and countries, though among the quiet, there seem to congregate pairs (and, face it, families) shepherded by big-mouthed ignoramuses who will continue to give us happy travelers a bad name. Like it or not, they are part of us, the glaring exceptions among the rule followers. The bright sides, though? We have learned to live with one another – the respectful and the obnoxious – on tour buses and in tourist traps, so we can figure out how to do that in other contexts. And while tourism-based businesses surely suffer from the loss of income, I know many people who celebrate having their glorious scenery relatively tourist-free. What a great opportunity for community care: to enjoy nearby attractions and support local merchants and take some comfort in knowing we’re all in this together.

Religion, here, seemed to play a sad role in this move away from graciousness and kindness. Take the self-proclaimed “religious” groups that insist (with the apparent blessing of the all-new Supreme Court) they have a right to spread the ‘Rona plague in order to host joyous celebrations of their interpretation of the guidance of a Rabbi/Carpenter who stated all the rules boiled down to loving God, loving your neighbor, and loving yourself. A reasonable person might consider spreading a potentially deadly virus with abandon as a contradiction to those guidelines, but there’s a Biblical passage about gathering in God’s name and somehow that – and, I suspect, a loss of income tied to empty seats – seems enough to demand the “right” to host close indoor gatherings in spite of the known health consequences. Tangling capitalism and church complicates theology, particularly among people who feel downtrodden. Yet, there are lessons to be learned; find a spiritual discipline that supports you, helps you grow, and expands your mind and circle of friends. 

Growing up in a Catholic household, mom insisted on weekly trips to “Confession” where we admitted our sins and asked forgiveness, then did penance. The significance of taking time to try to make things right – usually by a brief period of prayer and contemplation, but sometimes in more physical ways — didn’t descend upon me until a new evangelical church congregation became my temporary faith home. Those evangelicals, it turned out, were not as different from the Catholics as they believed, including enthusiasm when discussing persecution of Christians (though others sometimes feel the Christians more guilty of persecution). However, one preacher felt neither he nor his flock had a need to seek forgiveness or make amends. He explained, “I’m washed in the blood of Christ, so no matter what I do I’m forgiven.” I get it, but I believe we should expect more of ourselves. Though I remain grateful to both faith groups for what I learned through them, I appreciate the evangelicals for their music and the Catholics for their idea of redemption. For me, seeking or offering forgiveness[ii], taking time to consider errors, and making corrections turned out to serve as excellent acts of self-care.

According to the Pew Research Center, about two-thirds of the world population identify as something other than Christian, with most Christians living in Africa (631 million), 601 million in Latin America, 571 million in Europe, and 205 million in the US. About 70% of us living in the US claim some affiliation with Christianity (though far fewer profess to be church members and less of those regularly attend church services). Other faith categories are Islam, no religious affiliation, Hinduism, Buddhism, and a long list of others. The fasted growing group appears to be no-religious-affiliation.

Yet the notion has arisen more than once during my lifetime that the USA springs from the loins of God and is, somehow, therefore a Christian nation. As a child I noticed, even though I entered the world years post-WWII, folks like my parents realized that war exacted a heavy toll. Growing up, though, it wasn’t military might that inspired my grandparents, my parents, or my generation. For my dad, the American way, headquartered in Detroit, remained my dad’s hope for the USA. He loved to talk about Motor City. American exceptionalism during my parents’ prime revolved around those hard-hat factory workers churning out internal-combustion engines in vehicles that were engineered like works of art. That working-class ideal lacked the polish of later years when the athlete or the ruthless Wall Street junk-bond millionaire, driving sleek Euro imports, sped into our heroic imagination. How we moved from respecting hard work to idolizing those who appeared uber-wealthy says a lot about our shift in priorities. The value of knowing our 3 to 5 priority areas becomes evident when life requires hard decisions and helps when day-to-day priorities conflict. Give time to those. There’s freedom in both recognizing those and being open to shift values over time. Make a list. Note yours. Career. Education. Health. Family. Connection. Story-telling. Learning. Travel. Exploration. Friends.

When I attended elementary school, during a period after the Dark Ages and around the time the Beatles invaded, we celebrated that we welcomed all people from all countries and all religious faiths. We understood our forefathers whose ancestors fled religious tyranny refused to name a national religion. We learned those early patriots fought for freedom for all-religions (including no-religious-affiliation) and freedom from the oppressive taxation system of the crown. From 1776 until around 1950, during the McCarthy Era, “In God we trust” (an anti-communist catch phrase) does not appear on money, and the Pledge of Allegiance, with it’s anti-immigrant roots in the 1890s, didn’t include the words “under God” until 1954.[iii] Still, we have been known, in our zeal and with open hearts, to accept notions like ‘Christian nation’ and legislation like the ‘Patriot Act,’ even when they only represent some of us or make us less free. We may need to question things more and reserve unbridled support for people and pets we know personally.

As a nation and a world community of human beings, I have high hopes we find our higher selves. I still believe the journey will require a grassroots movement and bodacious self-care skills, so here’s a quick tip.

In Practice…

This helps me when I’m feeling overwhelmed and start catastrophizing (I’m fabulous at that but rarely go there since I began practicing this!) or lost in a negative thought.

Briefly become aware of the negative thought or flight into catastrophe. Just notice where your mind is headed. Question the situation that exists only in your mind and do it as often as necessary (this may take some repetition).

If Catastrophizing: Say to yourself, either aloud or in your head, [Your-Name], this is not real. OR  [Your-Name], this is not happening. (Repeat, if needed.) Remind yourself: Obsessing about it now will not make it easier if this ever happens.[iv]

If you have identified Negative thoughts that haunt you: Challenge your thinking. Ask yourself: [Your-Name], is this thought helping or hurting? If the thought is hurting, make a decision to question and reframe the thought. For example, restate thoughts away from shame-inducing while acknowledging guilt: “I’m so stupid” becomes “Touching that hot pan was a stupid thing to do.”

Using your name may feel awkward. It did for me, at first. I’d read a study that showed this technique really helps most people, so I tried. For me, it’s two thumbs up!

Wrap Up…

May your expectations of yourself be kind. May you find the tools you need for self-care and both the time and the will to use them.

May you be happy, healthy, safe, and strong.

Last words: Please remember that neither my opinions, my experiences, nor resources I mention are meant as cures or treatment. If you’re in a moment in your life when most efforts feel huge, consider finding a mental health professional to support you.[v]  If you’re considering ending your life or if you are in crisis, please reach out to emergency services (9-1-1) or a crisis hotline.[vi] You deserve support and to know someone has your back.

Copyright D.R. deLuis 2020

[i] According to world-recognized economist Mariana Mazzucato, from 1975 to 2016 the US GDP tripled when adjusted for inflation, from $5.49 trillion to $17.29 trillion. During that period, productivity increased by 60%. During the same period real hourly wages have stagnated or fallen, pointing to 4 decades of economic gains that all went to a tiny elite uber-wealthy group. This uneven growth accelerated the last few years, leaving a handful (~60 people) holding the equivalent wealth of 3.5 billion world citizens.

[ii] To be clear, forgiveness can be offered from afar and I believe nobody has a responsibility to forgive another or to request forgiveness in person, in writing, or by any particular means.

[iii] See this article for more info: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/made-by-history/wp/2017/11/03/the-ugly-history-of-the-pledge-of-allegiance-and-why-it-matters/

[iv] If you live near a tsunami zone, in a flood-prone area, live in an area where tornados or earthquakes are possible, packing a bag and creating a safety plan makes good sense, is excellent self-care, and is not obsessive (even if your happy-go-lucky friends say it is).

[v] Most areas in the U.S. offer a “2-1-1” service that can provide information about local resources. In addition, one website (there are many) with info about finding an affordable therapist is Open Counseling at www.opencounseling.com .

[vi] National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 1-800-273-8255 or visit the website to text/chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. To reach the Crisis Text Line in the US and Canada text “HOME” to 741741; in the UK text 85258; in Ireland text 2050808. And if you check references, kudos and thanks. May you prosper beyond your wildest imagination.